#Bangkok!

Its so frustrating to keep up with a blog, seriously. But I shall try. And yes, I know its been a seriously loooong time since I last updated but lets not talk about that shall we.. the reason why I stopped blogging was cuz I was just... plain lazy. Just me being me heh.

Lets start from where we were, shall we?

So.. PMR ended. For those of you who don't know, PMR is an exam. K thats all you need to know. Lets talk about the exam now. The first paper was BM. And.. it was just.. meh. Basically thats the only word that can describe the paper.. just meh. I don't really have the confidence for BM but we all can hope right? Next paper was English, I fucking aced that shit. Of course I had a few careless mistakes in paper 1.. but paper 2 was soooo good. Confident :) GEOGRAPHY WAS AMAZINGGGG. I checked my paper and had only a few wrongs ;) so far, I'm pretty sure I can get 2A's. Then came science.. lets not talk about that. Moving on. Sejarah.. I felt like it was a hard paper but when I marked it, I had 8 wrongs which is an A! Lucky heh :) then maths, wow.. idk whether to say it was easy or hard... ㅠㅠ let's just hope for the best. Last paper was KH, hahahaha I don't give a damn about that :)

But now that PMR has ended (it ended a month ago btw), I've been focusing more on improving my character and mind. I was recently feeling down for no apparent reason so I knew that I needed to change. How I changed? Well... firstly, I have this little notebook where I write down about the positive and negative characteristics about myself. I needed to stop being lazy, I needed to start to socialize, I needed to stop cussing (which I honestly fucking can't) and lets just say.. this notebook idea was a really a good thing for me. BUT ENOUGH EMOTIONAL TALK. heh.

I have so many stuffs to do. Keeping myself busy ;) because I am naturally busy (cheh cheh perasan) I plan to lose weight (lol no), I plan to learn a new language (coughkoreancough), and just enjoy life yo. That tiny little depression phase I was going through made me realize I should enjoy life no matter what. But I still need karma to work on someone. Yeah you know who you are.

Anyway, I'M IN BANGKOK RIGHT NOWW :) but I'm leaving tomorrow lol. Its currently almost 2AM here in Bangkok. I was lying down on the bed while reading a really famous blog which made me remember this blog hehe. I'll try to update more often because I have to start motivating myself and I feel this way would lead to a healthy motivation wahahaha.

Oh, Bangkok! I arrived last Wednesday to meet my aunt WHO HAS THE SAME FUCKING BIRTHDAY AS SOOYOUNG. Except instead of 90', my aunt is a 89' baby. BUT THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPING I DID IS JUST ASDFGGLHLHKSHAG. I have never shopped this much, seriously. But I'm happyyy :) thats all that matters.

Its sad that I'm leaving tomorrow but I am kinda homesick. The only problem is THERE'S KPOP EVERYWHERE HERE. LIKE SERIOUSLY. My aunt took me for a massage and there was a tv in front of me and I was like "ok cool lez wetch sum teevee" and suddenly TAEYEON JUST POPS UP LIKE A FUCKING PIMPLE AND STARTS SPEAKING THAI AND I WAS LIKE "HOLD UP MASSAGE LADY THIS IS MY FUCKING BIAS" and then another advertisement came and I was just like... ugh. My poor fangirl heart was denied that day.

The next day, I was in the car. I was on my way to a mall called "Platinum(?)" The stuffs there are amazing btw. Anyways, so while seeing the view, THIS FUCKING RUDE ASS BUS DECIDES TO JUST COME RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. AND THE BUS IS COVERED WITH TAEYEON'S FACE. I screamed so loud seriously you think a Directioner is bad, well then you haven't met a SONE. I WOULD SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF THE BUS BUT IDK HOW TO ATTACH A PICTURE USING MY PHONE, SO MY BAD.

So.. yeah. Thats what happened.

Its 2:15AM, I should sleep.

VOTE FOR SNSD BTW.

bye sluts and faggots.

#Miracles In December

yes yes my title is a song referance. i can't think of a proper title because i've recently been so damn into that song. kyungsoo's voice T_T baekhyun's voice T_T jongdae's voice T_T nOOOOOOO

can you hear me screaming? no? well screw you lol

anyway, this post is really really sad so i've decided to share it.

"dear everyone,

i’m sorry. i’ve caused so much trouble, haven’t i? my depression always gets in the way of most of my friendships and i can’t help it, i’m really sorry. i tried my best to be happy, but in the end, theres always a visible frown on my face.

would it be selfish to take my own life? to leave all my family and friends behind, obliterate the memories and fill the void in my heart with just this? is it selfish to leave you a letter apologizing when i know this is wrong yet it feels so right, it feels like that i should do?

i don’t like sad goodbyes, in fact, i cry. but i won’t cry this time, fists are clenched by my sides and i promise i’m holding back the tears. my eyes are emotionless now, i feel nothing, nothing. so if i die, won’t it be the same thing?

ah, there’s so much i wanted to do too. i wanted to go to a shinee concert, i wanted to be happy, i wanted to smile and listen to their music. i wanted to continue to support them. i wanted to visit all these different places, i was looking forward to graduating highschool early too.

its funny, i used to live the life. i had all i could ask for. friends that supported me, that listened to me, that would want to willingly hang out with me, but life taught me that one slip up can fuck you up for life, that’s why i’m here drowning in my loneliness.

forever doesn’t exist. friendship can’t and won’t last forever, either. it’s better off to be alone, or maybe, just maybe it’s better to be dead. to see nothing, to feel nothing, to hear nothing, just silence and emptiness. it’d be nice to get some peace and quiet.

dad, was i too beautiful for you not to touch? did you really mean you loved me in a fatherly way or was that just an excuse to slip your filthy hands under my night gown? i laugh at you because everyone pretends to like you, it’s really funny how people lie, just like you when you cheated on mom isn’t it?

hey, hey. i forgive you for making me feel dirty, for taking advantage of my body when i said no, when i couldn’t push you off of me. men like that kind of stuff, huh..? or at least that’s what i’ve been told. forced sex doesn’t exist, that’s what everyone says. even after you tainted my body, i still find it in me that i’m in love with you. helplessly. i still talk about you as if we were still dating.

and to my friends that have abandoned me, was that rumor fucking worth it? do you think i would betray you all after 4 years of pure trust and fun? he lied to you. he lied to all of you, every single one, and what baffles me is to believe someone who just moved here over your best friend. sometimes, on weekends, i still wait for you to call.

and to the world, thanks for nothing.

you know, i really like to sleep a lot. so i’m going to sleep for a longer length of time. you can call it forever, if you’d like.

love,

aya."

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I sincerely hope she's okay because no one deserves this. almost all teenagers can relate to this but we all must stay strong. no matter how tough family can be or how bitchy useless friends can be. after all, teenage years are just a very little phase in life.

so please, everyone. fucking take care of yourself. stay positive.

(i know i sound really deep but i'm just sick and tired of suicide.)